I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
