dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
