i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize