ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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