My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
