When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The uberlube is also flammable
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize