Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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