clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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