I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
