dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
