yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
