fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
