I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
