She is in my trunk
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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