I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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