I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
