im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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