I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize