dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
