You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
