you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just want nice things and good sex
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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