my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
