You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
