Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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