I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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