Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
