I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
