I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
