Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
