there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
