No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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