Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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