Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
