someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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