A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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