I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Randomize
