I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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