Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
