you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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