The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You can't special order awesome
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
