does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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