I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
where does the pee come out of this thing
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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