turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
