Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
