you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
