i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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