I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
