but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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