Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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