i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
