Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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