woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
