dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
