Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
