I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
