just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
