i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
worst night to have a conscience
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
