Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
