He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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