I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
